Unconditionally Yours

The following words were actually taken from a ritual that I wrote, I posted it to the site for those of you who are going through similar situations, a message of hope and healing.

I pledged my love unconditionally to you, I swore to protect, respect and to keep you from harms way, I guess that I was the only one who took those vows seriously that day, that glorious day when you took my hand in yours and said I do!  How was I supposed to know that you would be so quick to throw it all away? How was I supposed to know that forever to you was just a fleeting thing? 

My love for you is true and will always be, nothing has changed other than you are so far away from me, when you left I was in shock and I sat by the phone for days awaiting your call, the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months and your call never came! 

At times I strain my ears in the deafening silence listening for your footsteps coming down the hall; I even imagined once or twice that I heard your key turn in the lock and then I would snap back into reality when the neighbor’s door across the hall would close and the tears would fall from my eyes like the rain falls from the sky, if I weren’t so afraid that I would never see you again I would ask the Goddess to spare me of this pain, but the pain I must endure for it is the only thing that remains of you and me, I know that as long as I feel the pain as I do there is still hope that one day you will return to me and our love can start anew. 

Our photographs are simply memories that have faded away and I struggle to recall the way that you look, the way that you feel and the way that you smell, I guess I am looking for any shred of hope to hang on to, fear fills my heart as I try to recreate the image of our love, a love once pure and strong, the kind that dreams are built on, our future once bright has grown dim and dinner for one isn’t much to look forward to, but for now it is all I have, so it will have to do! 

My friends and my family tell me that I am crazy and that I should move on with my life and find someone new, the few attempts that I have made have all been in vain, because I always end up comparing them to you and somehow they just never seem to measure up. 

As I sit here tonight I wonder where you are and how you are doing?  Do you ever miss me as much as I miss you?  Have you ever felt as though you made a mistake by not giving our love a chance? Do you ever think of me and wonder how I am doing? Have you ever felt bad for those cruel things that you said to me just before you walked out the door? Have you ever thought about coming back and wondered if the door would still be open if you did? Have you ever hurt so bad that it felt as though your heart exploded in your chest? 

The sadness of our separation is all around me; everywhere I look I see bits and pieces of you, a book on the coffee table, a glass sitting on the end table without a coaster, oh, how that use to drive me crazy, now I would give anything to see that again, I would even make a promise not to let the little things get under my skin. I guess it is true what they say, “you never miss the water until the well runs dry and you don’t know what you have until it is gone!” 

I was foolish and at times unappreciative of the little things, but I stood by your side through thick and thin and even though there were moments when I felt that it was too much or that I couldn’t take anymore, I stopped and thought about the love that we share and it didn’t take much for me to realize that the good times out weighed the bad, how could you not see that? Why couldn’t your love for me sustain us? Why couldn’t you realize that I loved you more than life itself? 

Maybe that was my first mistake, maybe I should have stopped and thought about myself all those times that I bent over backwards trying to make you happy, if I had looked out for my best interest just a little bit closer, maybe I could have seen this coming, maybe your walking away and leaving me wouldn’t have caught me off guard! 

For such a longtime now I have been so angry, at times it is hard for me to tell whom I am the angriest at, you for hurting me so or me for allowing you to hurt me. I allowed you closer to my heart than I have ever allowed any other individual, with you my guard was totally down and I was yours for the taking, I gave myself to you unconditionally on every level and I trusted you, with me your word was everything, your word was worth more to me than all of the silver and gold in the world. 

Today I hurt and the world has seemingly lost its luster, but tomorrow my pain will subside and my tears will dry, and my heart once split in two will once again be made whole and my happiness will no longer be dependant upon your return and one day my love, you will return for it is written in the stars above as I have been blessed by Venus the Goddess of love, my pain has been eased by the depths of Brigid’s wells and she has inspired me to move forward in my life and Rhiannon the Celtic Goddess of forgiveness has made it possible for me to forgive you of your indiscretions and Corra the Goddess of  prophecy has shown me the visions of the future and tomorrow is definitely brighter, and as you return to unite your energies with mine, all once wrong will be set right and balance will be restored within our lives and we shall reign once more as my love remains unconditionally true. 

Blessed be, Phelan